Goodbye without leaving*

A year ago, almost to the day, I sent in the manuscript for A Grip of Time: When prison is your life. Some people think that finishing a big project like this is exhilarating, that crafting that last sentence in that final chapter is a celebratory moment. It isn’t. At least not for me. I do not celebrate. I mourn.

Whatever it is I am in the grips of—from this project that hopes to illuminate life behind bars to my other deep dives in hidden subcultures—I am consumed. That world, whatever it is, is my world. I don’t just write about it. I live it, I dream about it. In time I know more about the people I meet, the people who allow me into their world, than I know about most of my friends. I care about them. I care about what they care about. And I never want to leave. I never want to say goodbye. But when I finish a manuscript I do have to say goodbye.

Or do I?

A year ago, almost to the day, I sent in the manuscript for A Grip of Time. But today I will once again drive up to Oregon State Penitentiary to lead the twice-monthly Lifers’ Writers Group, as I have for the past four years. The group, which fueled my in-the-trenches research for the book, is no longer providing material. The book is finished. The book will be out and published May 1. But I have not and cannot say goodbye to the men who write stories that need to be heard, the men I listen to and encourage, the men who crave editing and feedback like no students I have ever had. Whatever I have taught them, they have taught me far more. And so I return.

Last time I was at the prison, I asked the men to write about what writing meant to them. Here is what Jimmie wrote:

For most of my life I felt powerless. When a friend asked me to participate in a writing group, my first thought was, I can’t write. My next thought was, I’ve been incarcerated for thirty years, what the hell did I have to say? Whether I am a good writer or not is debatable. What writing has done for me is empower me. It is something that no one can take away.

And so I return.

*I love Laurie Colwin.