Kick in the butt/ Pat on the back

Is it possible to raise the bar and simultaneously practice self-compassion?

Is it possible to expect more of yourself than you already know you are capable of, to push yourself out of your comfort zone, to take on a big new challenge…and be kind to yourself in the process? Particularly when “the process” can mean failing – yes, I am going to use that word! – to meet your own expectations, failing – yes, again – to learn quickly enough, to master the task, to excel…or, more humbly, to get to a point where you don’t feel embarrassed at your attempts at whatever it is you are attempting.

Is it possible to speak to yourself in two distinct voices: the tough and demanding task-master; the encouraging and supportive counselor?

Yes, I think it’s possible. But I also think it is very very hard. It is very hard if you have high expectations for yourself and keep expecting more. And it is very hard if you are averse to the “good job!” mentality that suffuses our culture. You know what I’m talking about: The automatic praise delivered for modest, mediocre or just plain lame efforts.

So what do you do if you want to keep taking on challenges but also not beat yourself up for being so-very-much less awesome than you would like to be? Here are two strategies that (sometimes) work for me:

I keep in mind that there is always someone more accomplished than me, regardless of how much I am able to accomplish. And there is always someone farther back on the learning curve, regardless of how clueless I am. I keep this is mind not for the sake of comparison, but just the opposite – to stop comparing myself to others. Regardless of what I do, I will always be part of a continuum of effort and skill. Case closed. Move on.

I also keep in mind that the path to mastery is not one long climb to the top. The path is far more interesting (and more challenging) than that. It involves short bursts of progress often followed by long plateaus during which it is easy to believe I am making no progress at all and never will again (and thus the voice of little compassion starts yelling at me). The path involves hard-won advances sometimes followed by ego-crushing backslides (if I listen to the ego-crushing voice). Knowing that any learning curve has ups and downs interspersed by long plateaus, knowing this is just the way it works, helps me have patience with myself.

Sometimes, if I actually deserve it, I tell myself “good job.” But, regardless, to honor the process and my perseverance, I always tell myself: “I believed I could, so I did.”