Women who marry men in prison
Women married to men behind bars. What do we know about them?
Almost nothing.
What do we think we know? That they are deranged women attracted to psychopaths. Pitiful, lonely women looking for love in all the wrong places. Damaged women. Control-freak women. Drama-queen women. Women with messiah complexes.
Or, they are saintly, self-sacrificing, celibate women who give it all up to stand by their men.
In other words: We pathologize women who choose to marry men behind bars, and we worship women who have stayed married to their incarcerated husbands.
Like all stereotypes, these “types” reflect bits of truth, much exaggeration, and a lot of ignorance. In fact, the reasons women marry/stay married to men behind bars are as diverse, quirky, open-hearted, misguided, optimistic, rational, irrational, well considered and impulsive as the reasons women marry/ stay married to men in the free world.
In this mostly hidden subculture of women married to men behind bars, there are MBIs (those who were Married Before Incarceration) and MWIs (those who got Married While Incarcerated). What modest attention is paid to these many hundreds of thousands of women is primarily focused on MWIs–and that attention is focused on what’s wrong with these women. How could they? Why would they?
There are those said to suffer from hybristophilia, a mental condition where someone—most always a woman—is obsessively attracted to (gets intense sexual arousal from) a man who’s committed notorious crimes. Yes, it is real thing, documented. The more heinous the crime, the more likely an inmate is to receive “fan mail” (and marriage proposals) from women.
There are women who were victims of abuse and mistreatment by fathers, previous husbands, boyfriends. These women, so the logic goes, figure that if they’re in a relationship with a man in prison, he’s not going to hurt them. He can’t hurt them. Unlike in their past relationships, they are safe.
Or there are MWI women who are calculating manipulators on a power trip. They hold all the cards. The guy is dependent on them for news of the outside, for money contributed to the canteen account, for human kindness—all of which they can dispense, or not, at will.
Or, folks, how about this: Many women who marry incarcerated men fall in love with them. That’s right. Love. Intellectual, emotional, spiritual bonding. The sharing of ideas and stories, beliefs, hopes and dreams. Humor, sadness, random observations. You know…the stuff of life. The sociologist Megan Comfort interviewed dozens of women married or involved with inmates, and she found—contrary to what we think we know–that they were not attracted to the “bad boy,” not attracted to the thrill of risky choices, but rather quite the opposite. The women she interviewed were attracted to what we would consider these men’s “feminine” qualities. The men were thoughtful and communicative. They were listeners. They were interested in establishing and nurturing a lasting emotional relationship (a sexual relationship not being possible, not now and maybe never). They were interested in finding a soul mate not a bedmate. I know two such couples. And I deeply admire their commitment to each other.
These hidden worlds are masked by stereotypes. The more we know, the less likely we are to fool ourselves into thinking we know.
18 comments
Spot on Lauren! Sometimes, it really is just all about love! I chuckle to imagine my husband thinking I am attracted to his “feminine” qualities, but I can’t deny he is an excellent communicator! Thank you for this honest and insightful article!
I so appreciate this, Angela. I come to this subject as a reader of research and personal stories, an observer, and a friend…but not as a woman married to an incarcerated man. Thank you for validating this with your experience.
Lauren what a insight into the relationships of incarcerated men . I married my husband because he is so compassionate, caring and most of all very spiritual. He has taught me a lot about the spiritual side of him . I married him because he has all the qualities I have longed for . I wish we as wives of incarcerated men didn’t get such a bad reputation because were married to men while incarcerated. This was a beautiful written article . I just wished people who judge us just had an opportunity to know who we really are .
Thank you, Diane. Well said. It’s extraordinary (and extraordinarily damaging) to realize how people form opinions and attitudes (and stereotypes) without knowing much of anything. In fact, it seems the less they know, the stronger their opinions. Your husband is a lucky man.
People like labels, and acronyms – it’s an organized way of thinking that helps people form an understanding about any particular thing…so when people rush to label or define the meaning of a non-incarcerated person who would partner with an incarcerated person, they begin with preexisting opinions about incarcerated people.
If they think incarcerated people are “bad” (untrustworthy, sneaky, violent, unintelligent, manipulative, etc.), they are likely to think that someone who would partner with them are either also “bad,” or, a victim of the devious intentions of the incarcerated (bad) person.
If one were to know that the partner is neither of these things, that they are a complex human being who shares with the incarcerated person, they would have to consider the incarcerated person might not only be a “bad” person.
It’s easier to keep people in cages and feel OK about it if they are only “bad” and not capable of loving. It’s harder to consider romantic love they may share with a partner as valid and important as other non-incarcerated relationships.
As with so many other things, stereotypes blind us to truth — or at least a truer, more nuanced understanding of the world. How easy it is to judge, dislike, dismiss — not to mention fear — people we only “know” through category, stereotype, acronym. Thank you for this, Sabine.
From a south African perspective and from a insider working with these offenders. I am yet to find a marriage between a incarcerated male and a female to be based on love, instead it is a motive to satisfy a physical and emotional need and pure manipulation.
Interesting to hear this, Nelria. The research I’ve read is all US-based and makes the point that the manipulation motive (while it certainly exists) is not all there is.
I’m aware of this both with my Dad who while in prison had a woman (Leslie) start visiting him until his release and they became married, and also a friend of mine named Josh who had a woman (Stephanie) meet him in prison, pay his bail and debt, and marry him upon release.
Leslie is clearly an extremely timid woman who has been in abusive relationships and is used to being close to danger even though it is the opposite of her demeanor. For my Dad, she was willing to be a carbon copy of my Mom to the point of dressing like and making her hair look like her. It all was a means to and end I guess.
Stephanie however, it is a power trip. Josh is miserable because he works hard but will never be able to repay her, and she proudly hangs it over his head and verbally and emotionally abuses him daily. She got a good guy, but he didn’t get a good woman.
Thanks for these stories, David. People’s motivations are so complex. And other people’s relationships are often almost incomprehensible to outsiders.
I am a MBI who got married while my husband has been incarcerated. The stereotypes are insane! Men hit our inboxes thinking we will need sex while our husbands are gone, women judge us and act like their relationship is somehow better than ours. No one notices the love and sacrifices made by the couple. The amount of commitment it takes to marry and stay married to someone in prison is insane. We go weeks or months (been 5 months now thanks to the virus) without even seeing each other’s faces or touching! It could be another 2 years before i touch my husbands skin again! Why are we looked down upon so bad?
Thanks for this, Anna. The stereotypes are so very damaging. And so very wrong. I hope you get to see your husband soon.
I so appreciate this article and your style of writing, I’m now a fan. I have known my other half for more than a quarter of a century, we enjoyed a complex love affair before he was incarcerated and remained friends over a period of 25 years while he was suffering the American justice system and I was surviving life in the world. In all my years,50 now, I’ve not met another more God fearing, self aware, compassionate, prolific, loving, protective, or understanding man. It was as if i looked for him in every man i dated and none came close. A little over a year ago (27 years of friendship, 25 yrs incarcerated on a natural life sentence for a crime he did not commit) he proposed we grow old together. I happily accepted.We enjoy exploring our spiritual growth together, music, reading, family, and prayer. I haven’t seen him in person in 8 months and my heart breaks as i think of it. While it’s surely not an ideal lifestyle, it is a labor of love, and I wouldn’t exchange what we have for something less valuable with someone on the outside. He’s a brilliant man in an unnatural circumstance. I intend to be by his side until God sees otherwise. Thanks for providing a safe place to share. It’s needed.
Thank you so much for this, Hope. (The best name ever) I know of three long-time marriages between incarcerated men and the women who love them. All are models of emotional intimacy and honest, transparent communication. Not to mention loyalty, resilience and perseverance. Yours makes the fourth. Thank you for writing. Thank you for sharing. I hope you have the opportunity to read A Grip of Time.
I married my husband while he was incarcerated. Waited for12 plus years and he couldn’t even give me a year of being out and he left me and my son. Went right back to his mom’s to sleep on her couch. After I bought a house found him a car etc… CRAZY! Never in my life did I expect this. I knew it was going to be hard with him getting back into society but damn you leave your wife who stuck by you when your friends, family, your own mother ditched you when you got locked up. Not one visit from his mom or family. Wow!
Oh, Kasey, how it hurts to read this. People surprise me (for good and for ill) every day. It seems like your husband was not ready to grow up. Back to his mom’s. Geez.
I married while my husband was incarcerated . After about 5years of visiting him he got parole and everything went downhill from there. He had an affair and eventually got his parole revoked within a few months of his release. I waited another year and he got re-paroled. I was miserable yet again . I even found him reaching out to his ex . Within about 5 months he was back in prison on parole violations. Both times while he was outside we barely had sex , he was best friends with family members that didn’t look out for him while he was incarcerated , meanwhile he treated me like his enemy . I want to move on but I don’t know where to start . I’m so embarrassed . I let him take 7 years away from me. I Still talk to him everyday . I can’t do this again only to get mistreated .
Painful to read this. But thank you for posting.It sounds like you know just want to do–move on. It is never, ever easy. But when mental health and well-being are at risk, there really is no other choice.
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